♥

I believe the reason that it has become so hard for me to write in here in a way where I feel free, as if the power of my words was endless, is because I have become so afraid of this thing that I am becoming. For months I have fooled myself into thinking that I have control over this side of me that I do not know, and to place down these unspeakable truths is to face the fact that I really have no control at all. I am becoming a person I do not recognize. I am touching feelings I swore I’d never touch again.

I am very unstable right now mentally. Last night, for the first time in six years, I reached a point in my depression where I was intensely suicidal. I was only a few last nerves away from closing my fingers around the steel metal knobs, yanking the cabinet doors open, desperatly twisting the white cap, and swallowing a bottle of pills in several gulps. I cried for three hours straight which is something I never allow myself to do anymore. It is either that I cry for five minutes and “get a grip”, or I just refuse to cry and instead bottle up what I am feeling. I ended up calling a very close friend for help which is also something I would never do. I have never been able to ask for help because of my need to be tougher than anything life throws at me, as well as the overwhelming guilt that comes with knowing I must have bothered someone. Just a half hour ago, I found myself kicking my books over, punching the wall, and fighting off the same urges. Though this time it only lasted several minutes.

I do not know whats going to happen to me.

As far as my eating goes, I know that I’ve dropped more weight since that last weigh in. Just a pound or two perhaps. Every day is a struggle. Today I did “well” and consumed zero calories. I have restricted myself to absolutely no food or coffee for three days straight and if I manage this task, I am allowed to eat something of no more than fifty calories. I can’t eat, I am far to afraid. I also have not been working out for three weeks now but the need to move around until sweat is dripping off my body and I can not stand has grown to strong for me to ignore. I will be swimming, taking two hours walks, and  doing aerobics like a mad person.

So please, forgive me if my words come out jumbled, if my diction does not flow, and for my abscence when I do not post. I am trying very hard to learn to speak, and to at least acknowledge the issues going on. No one ever said it was easy but No one ever said it would be this hard either.