♥

You take the pain I feel

I don’t want to sleep
I don’t want to dream
because my dreams don’t comfort me
the way you make me feel.

Where as before Ana felt like she was entity almost entirely seperate from myself even in the times that I would comply to her wishes, she now feels as if she is a part of me. She is now me, and I am now her. My desires are her desires, my repulsion with food is her repulsion with food. Tonight I ate in order to make a dear friend happy and ended up discovering something that once the guilt subsides, will leave only me happy. After two bites of an onion ring, and one bite of a burger I was sickened and ready to toss the food out. The only reason I hadn’t is because his mother was downstairs.

From my observations and study of Anoretic memoirs it would seem that people who fall into Anorexia ween off and on to food for awhile. They do not eat, then end up going on binges, then continue not eating. They are constantly at war with their body image and their bodies needs. At one point though it would seem that they stop eating and never go back to the occasional binge again. This I believe is a “breakthrough” for Anoretics if your looking at it from their point of view because from that point on while the other struggles Anorexia might bring do not get any easier, fighting the urges to eat do. I’m not saying it is this way for every person who has Anorexia, this is just one of my observations.

My point for bringing this up is that I now have reached that point. While making myself eat the food tonight I realized food has lost its flavor for me. What was once salty and greasy has merely become nothing. The idea of onion rings which once tempted me to eat, led to my jaw being clenched in fury and tears coming out of eyes. I kept repeating the thought “I hate food, I hate food.” over and over in my head. I do not want to eat, I do not want to drink. My body has given up and given in. Food has become my enemy, and I am thrilled. Give me a few weeks, watch me drop.