♥

There are so many things I want to say but I’m not sure where to start. I’m also not sure if any of them really have any more signifigance then the other reptetive patterns of lifestyle that shows up through my E.D blog, but I’m still here writing.

I have a friend named Tom who is a freshmen in my highschool (2 grades below myself) who I recently told about my E.D after feeling guilty about my weird behavior towards his crab salad. He is one of the most adorable and easiest people to come to adore in a short period of time. His eyes are the painted image of a clear summer sky with hair that lays in curls upon his head and freckles that are scattered across the brim of his nose. Every time I see him, he comes bouncing over in his shorts and casual flip flops wrapping his arms around me in a huge hug. He radiates optimism and happiness, and I love to be around him. So last night (his sister informs me) Tom has baked sugar cookies just for me, (he loves to bake) hoping that I’ll eat one. He is not approaching this or going about this in a forceful way, it isn’t like that at all. Tom has a sense of innocence about him and only acts out of his concern for me. When his sister told me this, I couldn’t help but smile and laugh. I think Tom is uncontrollably sweet. However,

I don’t think I can even eat one. Perhaps on Friday a cookie would seem acceptable, just touching the edge of “to much.” Now, half of a cookie feels like a whole meal. It feels like a bomb that I would swallow sitting inside my stomach, counting down until I’d lose my mind and shove something down my throat hunched over a toilet seat. I’m absolutely terrified of the idea of even looking at my sugar cookie, something I would chew on with pleasure, something my body might taste then just keep going. I have no idea what to do or how to handle this. I know if I tell him I can’t eat them he won’t be upset, or dissapointed, or angry, and will leave it be. However, I am made up of about 75% guilt.

Also, the meeting where my parents were informed of my eating disorder was yesterday. My parents were already in an irritable mood, my father in a constant swing of depression and my mother never really happy in the first place. On the way there they were complaining about how they had things to do and “this had better be quick.” We sat down in the room with my G.C who started off by stating all of the things she loves about me. (This isn’t some school cliche either, as I have explained her and I have known each other a long time, she is sincere about her compliments.) Embaressed and anxious though, I just wanted to get it over with. “I’m Anorexic and I have bulimic tendancies. I don’t eat an dsometimes I try to make myself vomit.” I spit out, sounding irritated myself.

I won’t go through the whole meeting but I will say strangely it did not go as bad as I had predicted. My parents have never handled any of the destructive behaviors that have showed up with me over the past years very well, and being full on alcoholics (one day I will go into my family issues here) they could barely take care of themselves. My father while concerned is not on the same “emotional rollercoaster” (as he put it) that me and my mother seem to be on. He said he saw this coming and is not surprised by my destructive behavior because I have so many underlying issues that I just do not deal with. My mother while more surprised than my father, seemed to have had an inkling in her head this was going on as well. She started shooting questions at me completely terrified, “What am I supposed to do? Just let you not eat? What if you collapse while I’m at work? I’m just supposed to let this happen?” I calmly responded that nobody could make me eat but I was willing to work on my emotional issues. (A huge reason I want to do this is because I want to be able to establish a normal relationship with a significant other for my own reasons). They have accepted that I do not have to eat, they will send me to a group over the summer every Wednesday night, and possibly send me to talk to someone the dates inbetween. I am not reluctant about this, but I will not eat.

For now I have decided that bulimia is not a road I would like to go down. I’ve told a few of my friends that I find purging unappealing and it takes more effort then I’d like, I would rather just not eat. (And all of this is true) But it’s hard for me sometimes when I eat after not eating for three days not to freak out. Sometimes I don’t even realize what I’m doing (as far as purging) until I’m already throwing things up. So, I just hope I can keep this promise to myself to stick to not eating. But hey, it’s up to Ana. Right?

Anyway, I started writing this in school and now the day has gone by. So I must continue this up with one more post, with more thoughts, and more writing.