My friend came over yesterday after hearing that I had dropped off her notebook and explained to me that she was able to give me a ride to this woman I know who worked in my school groups who will help me find a therapist for my Anorexia without my parents having to know. I sat there for a moment opening and closing my jaw before saying in a tone half ridden with guilt “I don’t want help, I do not want to go I’m sorry. Absolutely not.” She gave sort of a half sigh, leaning her weight on her left hip her eyes scrunched up in worry.
“I’m dissapointed in you, I’m just worried. I know I can’t make you do anything unless you want to so there is no sense in trying, but I don’t want to wake up one day and not have you around anymore.” I wanted to say, Don’t worry everyone is dissapointed in me, I get the point. But instead I just stared awkwardly at the space in front of my feet. After a few minutes she gave me a hug and headed back out to her house.
I can longer keep down the coffee I’ve been drinking. (There is a slight chance it is because I tried drinking it first thing this morning, but I still think I would have gotten somewhat sick). I had barely sipped a fourth of the coffee when I found myself in the bathroom, fingers over my mouth, trying to push away the need to spew it back up everywhere. After three minutes it passed but my stomach has been churning for two & a half hours; I’ve had to run to the bathroom three times with the same scare as this morning. My ribs are also kind of sore but at least I am not tired or having heart flutters right now.
Also, my bones are starting to become more defined now. Leaning my own weight on my left leg this morning my hip bone popped out so that it was easily viewable. I can trace the outline of my ribs. I know I should think this is sick, I know that this should be a warning to stop, but I just can’t. I do not grasp or understand the concept of death, I only see how much control this is giving me, how smaller I am getting. The word Anorexia sounds foreign when applied to myself, I just feel like I’m losing weight, and why does have it to be so serious guys?
Wake up, Wake up, Isn’t something missing?
