November 2009
1 post
Recovery check in +...
Four months in eating disorder recovery. I’ve decided to create a tumblr blog dedicated to helping others build self love and confidence for who they are and what they look like as well as discovering interests and outlets for their inner troubles. If your interested please go here:
fuckyeahloveyourself.tumblr.com (: I hope to see you there and I hope you girls are well
September 2009
1 post
August 2009
9 posts
iusemydress: Thank you for saying I’m brave. That makes me feel good (: Lullaby Hips: I’m starting to get few second glimpses of the relief on the other side. Thank you so much for offering, it doesn’t matter your a million miles away, your words are right here in my heart, and they touch me (:
I am terrified however,
I am going to try and recover with the help and support of my friends. I may or may not use this as a recovery tumblr. I will be reading others journeys still. And I might be back (though hopefully not.)
I have
neglected this tumblr for far to long. Over the next few days I will make my return and my updates will be frequent once more. (: Hello to my new followers.
today at lunch.
mom: your nails are yellow.
me: i know.
kasey: they look like crap.
mom: yeah, they're awful.
me: thanks.
I had this almost exact conversation with my mother about a month ago. Lunch time too.
@Iusemydress
iusemydress:
songofthestars:
No. Those two girls aren’t the same person, but none of those pictures are me. I like to think if I lose a little more weight they could be though. I’m currently 5”6 and 112 lbs. One day I’ll post a picture of me.
I am sure you are beautiful. I know that never really helps, but I hope one day you will be able to see it. I hope all of us will.
I am sure you are...
July 2009
5 posts
Last night I was discussing my eating disorder with one of my friends while my best friend Princetta was staying over. She liked how I worded things, and shared some of my experiences. I emailed her the conversation as she asked, and she has edited it somewhat, making grammatical changes, and putting it together. I am re-posting it here as I like what I had said too, but did not have the time to...
All I can do is watch as the palm of his left hand presses up roughly against your breast, the tips of his fingers rubbing the erect nipple that has been placed there. Your body trembles in spite of itself and his hand darts out from where it has rested at his side, slamming into the wall just inches away from your ear. He will put you back in your place, don’t you worry. Startled, you can...
My skin is cool where the tiles press up against my cheek, warm hues that have faded long ago, and I lay watching the dust floating slowly from one spot to another as my body moves, disturbing its rest. I can feel his eyes on me but I make no effort to return his gaze, instead I focus even more intently on the letters dancing across the binding of the books stacked in front of me. “Are you...
Question
(I’ve tried them already twice via tea, but I am curious/wish to be more informed before I continue) Do Laxatives actually work with losing weight?
June 2009
43 posts
MiaAna
Thank you so much, I will write your email down and if I ever need to, I will use it. If I don’t please don’t take it personally. I don’t mind speaking to people I do not know, I’m actually very open, it just goes a long with the its very hard for me to ask people for help. “..makes you beautiful to me.” That made me feel warm inside. ♥ And everything you said,...
I believe the reason that it has become so hard for me to write in here in a way where I feel free, as if the power of my words was endless, is because I have become so afraid of this thing that I am becoming. For months I have fooled myself into thinking that I have control over this side of me that I do not know, and to place down these unspeakable truths is to face the fact that I really have...
Pekotea
Thank you very much for saying that my thinspo site (Tangerine Thinspo) is pretty good. It also made me happy to hear that there are real girls you haven’t seen before. I’m always nervous about that when I post, and it’s appreciated. ♥
For everyone else, I do not have much to say at this moment. I weighed in at my friends house the other night and I was down to 108lbs/110lbs....
Ramblings
I am unsure of what to say, I just know I wish to say it. I can slowly feel the fragments of the person I was and could have been dissapearing with every pound, every inch of flesh that falls off of my body. It is a week and a half into the summer and all I have wanted to do was sit hunched in front of the computer screen sketching, reading, saving thinspiration. The thought of running barefoot...
I feel very contemplative right now and observational. But it would seem that just as they do every other time, my fingers freeze just inches above the keys in the moments before I am about to dive into myself. I cross my ankles over one another and shift my weight onto the back of the chair, tilting my head upwards at the monitor. Staring back at me are the few sentences I have managed to written...
Oh baby, its a wild world,
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile. The other day I was at a Rubiks Cube convention at my school to take the photos with my friend, unaware of the long hours we were getting ourselves into. We ended up having a handful of spare time and both of us being the creative photographers we are, escaped to the bathroom in order to do an E.D Photoshoot. My friend took the photos while I posed. I...
4:00 a.m, and I am Manic
The time at which my mind finally collapses and comes to agreement with the weariness that has already been clawing at my body for hours seems to be becoming later and later with every evening that passes. This occurance leaves me wondering if soon I might just stop sleeping all together and spend my nights jumping ferociously from one task to another, unable to sit still. The tips of my...
You take the pain I feel
I don’t want to sleep I don’t want to dream because my dreams don’t comfort me the way you make me feel. Where as before Ana felt like she was entity almost entirely seperate from myself even in the times that I would comply to her wishes, she now feels as if she is a part of me. She is now me, and I am now her. My desires are her desires, my repulsion with food is her repulsion...
I want to work out but I can not even push myself to move more than a few steps, to reach up and do more than a few sit ups. However, at least I know this is because I have not had a single thing put in my system all day. Not even a sip of water. And the really nice part about this? I wasn’t even tempted, I hadn’t even realized it until about an hour ago. Staying strong. ♥
I am not sure why but it would seem that I have developed this strange yet intense fear of going outside to socialize with my friends. It is the second day of summer and with the sun painting everything in warm tones one would think I would be shuffling around my room throwing on sunglasses, shorts, and white flip flops in preperation for meeting up with the neighborhood boys. Moments later I...
I fucking
disgust myself. I gained back weight in an attempt to eat so much it would make me sick, so I’d be more repulsed by food. (I know, my logic sounds strange.) I’ve lost bone status, and have gained back at least four pounds. I know it.
Right now
I need strength.
I am not
worthy.
Tonight
I will busy myself with making me dislike myself even more. Tomorrow, I will be stronger and be ready for what I’ve been mentally preparing myself for: A summer without food.
MiaAna
I think the proccess of discovering your sexuality whether it be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and whatnot is always going to vary and be slightly different for every person. If you were a lesbian or if you were bisexual would you know? Yes you would. It may take time and confusion but in the end you would know. I discovered myself to be bisexual about four years ago while I was in middle...
In twenty years I want to find myself
Slipping my heels out of the backs of my shoes and tossing them carelessly to the side of the porch where my husband sits rocking in an old wooden chair that creaks every time he presses up against the backing. Walking slowly, I will wander a few inches out into the yard pressing my feet down into the soil, allowing the grass to tickle the web of skin between my toes. The phonographe’s crank will...
*Though it is not needed you will understand this post slightly better if you read the one before it. Just when I think I have, I remember that I can not escape Anorexia. It would seem today when I walked into fifth period late as usual, that Tom was waiting there for me to give me the cookies. I didn’t have to say much because while I was allowed to be late, he wasn’t. So after a...
There are so many things I want to say but I’m not sure where to start. I’m also not sure if any of them really have any more signifigance then the other reptetive patterns of lifestyle that shows up through my E.D blog, but I’m still here writing. I have a friend named Tom who is a freshmen in my highschool (2 grades below myself) who I recently told about my E.D after feeling...
My fingertips slide across the carpet and I push myself up into standing position. Without so much as a second inbetween movements, I reach my arm over my head and lean my body to the left. My legs start to wabble and I find myself stumbling into the bookshelf knocking several things off. Panic shoots through me so I try to steady myself by concentrating on a spot on the wall. For a moment it is...
Anorexia/Bulimia seems to be slowly consuming more and more of what I’m thinking about, but these past few days I haven’t been able to think of anything to really put down here. On saturday I was at the music festival in town with my friends and went through the whole day without anything but a few cups of coffee. Even so this liquid fast was just not enough. I found myself in one of...
Spread the word
TangerineThinspo
That is my thinspiration site I have just started. Please look, and spread the wrong via tumblr/other means if you do not mind. ♥
Intervention?
I’m currently placed with my legs tucked beneath the covers of my best friends bed, occasionally looking up at the mirror in front of me to catch a glimpse of my reflection. There are very few days that my emotional state shows outward but let me say that today I am the definition of the saying “Man, you look like shit.” My hair is sticking out from behind my ears in tufts of...
Just a little less needy.
At lunch I completely transformed into a person whom I am not very well aqquainted with. I shit thee not it was if another entity had temporarily switched places with me, and I was being controlled. I do not remember how it started but I began speaking very destructively about myself. I could feel the smirk curling upwards on my face, the tone of my voice almost taunting, mocking not only myself...
The bones which felt like a decent accomplishment last night are already beginning to look less satisfying. I want more of that feeling, I want less fat. Yesterday I broke my fast by eating some salad with a few pieces of crab in it, and a little bit of cake. None the less by the end of the day I had done around three hours of walking, plus my own excersises at night so those calories are most...
My friend came over yesterday after hearing that I had dropped off her notebook and explained to me that she was able to give me a ride to this woman I know who worked in my school groups who will help me find a therapist for my Anorexia without my parents having to know. I sat there for a moment opening and closing my jaw before saying in a tone half ridden with guilt “I don’t want...
Well, day two of my liquid fast is a success. I only had one cup of coffee and sucked madly on mints throughout the day. I’m very tired, I will write tomorrow/later(?) I might post some thinspo however.